About Newkamas, Marimo heads and stupid ero cooks
by moonbird
Summary: *Non-slash* Some-how Zoro found himself inside of a newkama bar full of cross-dressers, some-one has to pull him out, problem just is, that some-on is Sanji. And what was first a prank played on Zoro, ended up backfiring on Sanji big times, making Sanji wish the ground would just hurry up and swallow him.


"Stupid Marimo." Sanji mumbled to himself as he walked through town, with hands in his pocket, grumbling and chewing on his ciggerate

Sanji had just been enjoying a nice calming day on the Sunny at port, free to look at Nami as much as he wanted while she was sun-bathing in a gorgous bikini, and him making deserts and drinks for her all day long.

It had been Sanjis ideal day.

Until Nami had pointed out that some-body should go out and find Zoro before it became to dark, as the swords man would have no chance of finding the dock when he had gone into such a massive big city.

Being unable to ever say no to Nami, Sanji had of cause rushed head-first out in town upon her specific request.

She had also been so kind to remind Sanji that they needed to stay at harbor for at least another three days, so if he could please make sure Zoro stayed out of trouble, Nami would appreciate it.. had she said with a smile on her sweet pretty lips.

Why did Zoro have to go to town any-way!? It was well past sun-set all-ready, people were now just hanging around in bars drinking, getting into fights..

And if Sanji knew the shitty swords-man well, and he did, Zoro would be hanging around in one of those bars, and he would eventually get into a fight if Sanji didn't stop him.

Suddenly Sanji felt an icing go down his spine, his entire body went rigid as his throat tied together, and he had instantly become alert as a cat.

This sudden change of feeling inside could only mean one thing, it was some-thing Sanji had trained himself up to in his two years of hell, the only way to ensure he would always be alert for this certain danger, even in his sleep. Cause he could feel it in his bones.

Newkamas were near-by...

Sanji shivered. They would have to be real newkamas to or he wouldn't have this feeling.

Keeping his senses alert Sanji moved forward with caution, and was soon enough, rewarded with he all-ready knew had to be there.

A true newkama bar! Filled with men in front, dressed up in dresses and make-up, holding hands, drinking feminine drinks, some where even making out with each other.

Inside the bar Sanji could hear the singing of a drag queen diva.

Sanji shivered as he firmly kept himself on the other side of the street, determined to stay as far away from the newkama bar as humanly possible!

But then another feeling interrupted Sanji, some-thing that felt like a clinching fist in his guts.. a feeling Sanji was also very familiar with, and it could only mean one thing… Zoro had to nearby, or Sanji's guts wouldn't feel so nosy.

Squinting his eyes Sanji turned to the newkama bar… no.. freaking.. way..

What the hell, would Zoro be doing, at that awful place!? And how was Sanji going to get him out!?

Pulling out a cigarette Sanji gathered his most manly courage and decided just to get it over with, like ripping off a plaster, Sanji just had to be quick and efficient, get in, grab Zoro, get out, easy!

And if any stupid Okama laid a hand on Sanji he would kick the bastard in the face!

Exhaling a cloud of smoke, Sanji sternly looked forward and went for it, as he neared the door he completely ignored the men who was checking him out. (Why the hell was it always men being so attracted to him!?)

As well when Sanji got into the bar, he surveyed the area for some green hair, not loosing the frown on his face for one instance.

Then he found Zoro, sitting by the bar drinking Sake, looking extremely uncomfortable as not only one.. but three newkamas all dressed up in sequin filled dresses was flirting with the bewildered swords-man.

Sanji couldn't help it, he had to lift a hand to his face before he started to laugh to obviously, slowly he moved closer, though in hiding, to have a listen.

"So where are you from sailor?" a tall black-haired new-kama in a red dress asked Zoro as he waved his heavy eye-lashes at the swords-man.

"It doesn't concern you." Zoro snorted. "Leave me alone."

"Oh Doris, don't you see, he is shy." A red-haired new-kama told his friend. "It's all-right sailor boy, in this place, we are all allowed to be ourselves, your secret is safe with us." He told in a blink. "I got some friends I could introduce you to, we are all friends in here."

"What do you say?" The third new-kama asked in a blink, as he playfully slapped Zoro on his behind, making Zoro completely loose face.

And Sanji couldn't help it as he burst out laughing, grabbing his stomach trying to get air. "Oi waiter, a drink." Sanji asked, deciding he could maybe just stay for a drink, just to enjoy the show going on right in front of him.

"Here you are hansome." The waiter, a newkama in a blond wig winked at Sanji as he handed Sanji a pink drink with a lemon in.

Sanji shivered lightly, but took the drink as he forced a smile forward on his lips. "Thanks." He at last managed to say, before he turned back to what happened with Zoro, looking with anticipation as he drank his drink through the straw.

"OI! OI!" Zoro yelled as his face turned red, himself holding his behind that had just been slapped. "What the hell was that!?" he asked.

"Oh, did I step over your boundaries?" The newkama whom had slapped Zoro asked. "I'm sorry, feel free to take your revenge." He invited as he turned around, exposing his back and behind to Zoro, then bowed lightly over. "Come on sailor-boy, get your revenge." He chuckled.

"WHY WOULD I WANT TO SLAP YOUR ASS!?" Zoro yelled angrily.

And Sanji almost chocked in his drink from laugher, though he kept watching.

"Maybe he is not an ass person." The black-haired new-kama pointed out to his friends. "So what do you like sailor boy? I can probably introduce you to a friend just for you if you want."

"GET OUT OF MY FACE!" Zoro yelled, grabbing his sword. Making the three newkamas look wide-eyed at him as they stepped back.

Sanji sighed deeply, it was time for him to take action before this turned ugly, but then.. an idea struck down in Sanji.

Oh this was just to good an opportunity to pass up! It would never arrive again! He would make Zoro feel so embarrassed that the shitty swords-man would never say a word again.

Sanji chuckled to himself as he took his drink with him, and sucked on the straw as he stepped up to Zoro and three Okamas. "Oh, Hallo darling, you're making some new friends?" he asked Zoro.

Wide-eyed Zoro turned to Sanji and looked at him. "Ero-cook!?" he proclaimed.

Sanji chuckled. "That's his nick-name for me." He told the three Nakamas. "The kitchen is our favourite place to play around." He grinned. "How creative he can get there."

"Oooh, are you his boy-friend!?" The black-haired Nakama asked Sanji. "Oh I apologies then." He told Zoro. "Why didn't you just say you weren't here alone?" he asked.

Zoro looked lost for words.

"So what do we say.. _darling?_" Sanji asked in a smirk, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

"SHUT UP!" Zoro yelled.

"He is just shy." Sanji whispered. "Actually, he loves a good butt-slap." He told, now also slapping Zoro on the behind.

And Zoro's face could not become any redder as he starred wide-eyed at Sanji, then he grew furious. "WHAT THE HELL YOU SHITTY LOVE COOK! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"

"Eeeeh." The three newkamas around them yelled. "He called him '_love_', how romantic!" they all wined.

"SHUT UP!" Zoro yelled.

Sanji smirked to himself. "Well, if you want we can just go back to the ship now." He told, satisfied by the tactic he had used to get Zoro out of the bar as quick as possible, usually Zoro would have wanted to stay for at least an extra round.

And now Zoro grumbled as he raised up, and with dark furious eyes, headed for the exit, Sanji grinning as he followed Zoro, all the way out…. Or so he would have, if he hadn't been stopped.

"OOOOH! SANJI KUN!" a table of newkamas screamed.

"Huh?" Both Sanji and Zoro turned around.

"Yuhu!" a man from the table yelled, and Sanji recognised all of them at ones.. they were a long way from home, as they were all inhabits from hell! The Okama island Sanji had spend two years at.

"ARGGHHH!" Sanji yelled as he turned around, and was just about to run for the exit.. if Zoro hadn't stopped him by grabbing his neck-collar and holding him back.

"oh this is interesting." Zoro pointed out in a smirk looking at the table. "Friends of yours Sanji?" he asked.

"NO I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE!" Sanji exclaimed.

"Sanji darling, how are you!?" A newkama from the table asked. "It's been sooooo long." he complained in a longing voice.

"yuhu candy-boy! Come let me buy you a drink!" Another newkama invitied. "And you're strapping friend to! what-ever you would like!"

"A shame you are not dressed for the occasion Sanji-kun, you look so pretty in dress and make-up." Another Newkama commented. "You can borrow some make-up from me if you want."

"They sure seem to know you." Zoro smirked, and then pulled Sanji with him towards the table.

"No, NO LET ME GO!" Sanji begged. "Zoro you have no idea what you are doing! JUST LET ME GO!" he begged as he tried to fight against Zoro with all of his might, struggling as good as he could, but Zoro was to strong from him at that moment.

"Hallo there, did some-one say they would treat some Sake?" Zoro asked the table as he had dragged Sanji all the way with him.

"Hallo!" The newkamas greeted Zoro.

"Are you Sanji-kuns boy-friend?" One of the new-kamas asked in a sigh.

Zoro smirked a devilish grin. "Apparently I am." He told.

"What the hell do you think you are doing!?" Sanji hissed as he grabbed Zoro's shoulder, shaking him.

Zoro how-ever just half turned his head, as he send Sanji a grin that just as well could have come from some sort of devil. "Revenge." He simply told.

"Awww, that's a shame." The newkama whom had spoken sighed. "I guess we all sort of hoped that Sanji would pick one of us one day." He told. "He is a very handsome passionate man after-all." He smiled in a light blush, then winked at Sanji. "But if you ever change your mind Sanji-kun, know there is an entire island dreaming of you."

At those words, Sanji seemed to turn to stone as he looked at the table, then he crashed down on the floor.

Zoro glanced down at him laying head-down on the floor, then up at the newkamas. "What an interesting story." Zoro smirked. "How do you know Sanji again?" he asked interested.

"he didn't tell you?" A newkama asked surprised. "Why, he spend two years at our newkama island training." He told.

"Really?" Zoro asked interested, and then sat down with the newkamas. "What sort of training?" he asked.

"Well, newkama training of cause." The newkama told.

"Please tell me every-thing." Zoro asked in a drink. "I want to know _all_ there is to know about my darling Sanjim in the two years we were apart."

Sanji… said nothing, he just stayed on the ground, face-down, swearing in his mind never ever to get up again. Ever!

* * *

"That dress looks great on you!" Zoro smirked as he walked side by side with Sanji, looking at some pictures he had received from the newkamas they had taken while Sanji was with them. "I would never have guessed, but you make an _adorable _Okama." Zoro grinned.

Dark clouds was hanging over Sanji, the cigarette weren't leaving his mouth, and Sanji was muttering nonsense no-body in their right mind could understand.

"I should send this to the marine office for an update of your poster!" Zoro grinned, waving the picture of Sanji in a dress under Sanji's noes.

"OI DON'T YOU DARE!" Sanji yelled trying to grab the pictures, but Zoro merely held them in a arms length away, and out of reach from Sanji.

"Wonder what Luffy would say to these, I'm sure he would love them." Zoro commented.

"NOOOOOOO!" Sanji yelled.

"I'm sure Usopp could come up with _lots _of theories and stories around this." Zoro grinned.

"Zoro, I warn you!" Sanji hissed holding up two hands ready to fight.

"Not to forget Nami and Robin." Zoro smirked.

"IF EITHER OF THOSE TWO EVER GET A CLUE ABOUT THIS! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU!" Sanji yelled jumping up and down.

"Tch, Baka." Zoro snorted as they stopped up.

Sanji blinked as he looked ahead of himself and discovered.. They were all-ready at the harbor.. they were all-ready back at the sunny. Sanji.. felt like he was going to die as he sunk down on his knees, hopelessly looking at the ship not long in front of him, Zoro standing next to him shifting the pictures in his hands. "Zoro.. don't do it, if you do. I'll never forgive you for this, ever." Sanji whispered, looking out to the ocean, then he swallowed.

Zoro grinned as he held forward the pictures. "Oh so you don't want the crew to see this, huh?" he asked holding the pictures up.

Sanji shook his head.

"How far will you go to ensure this doesn't happens?" Zoro asked in a smirk.

"I'M ALL-READY ON MY KNEES, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?" Sanji yelled with spread out arms. "all-right, Zoro I BEG OF YOU!" he stated. "There! I have even begged to you on my _knees!_ And it's making me sick to my stomach, I could throw up right now, so what more do you want!?"

Zoro smirked, as he bowed down, squinting his eyes at Sanji keeping him in eye-contact, all of Zoro's demanour promised pay-up.

And then Zoro threw all of the pictures up in the air, pulled out his katanas, and cut all of the photographs to tiny little pieces before he waved them out in the ocean, then turned around and calmly walked towards the thousand sunny.

Sanji blinked, then he turned his head where he saw all the tiny pieces of photo gently falling into the ocean.

Then Sanji realised.. Zoro had never intended to show those photos to any-body, he hadn't even intended to say a word to the crew. He had just been playing Sanji all of this entire time!

Sanji hissed annoyed. "YOU SHITTY MARIMO!" he yelled as he ran after Zoro. "YOU'RE GOING TO PAY YOU SHIT SWORDSMAN!" he yelled.

"Come at me stupid love cook!" Zoro replied in a smile as he stepped up on the deck.

And the moment Sanji was on the deck as well, the fight was on!

Nami sighed deeply as she observed the fight from a little above, she had just been sitting playing a nice game of cards with Usopp and Chopper, and now the noise was turned up again. "Will those two ever learn to co-exist?" she asked.

Usopp shrugged. "They just communicate in a very manly way." He told.

Nami rolled her eyes. "Yes sure, what-ever."

Nothing about cross-dressing, gays or newkama's were ever brought up in any conversation on the ship again.

Not even a month after, not even a year after.. it was simply never mentioned, life just went on, as if nothing had happened at all.


End file.
